Protecting Yourself in Relationships: How to Stop Self-Abandonment and Control from Ruining Connection.
When we talk about protecting ourselves in relationships, we often think of it as putting up walls, being cautious, or avoiding certain situations. But real protection isn’t about shutting down or trying to control everything—it’s about finding a balance between staying true to yourself and navigating connection with others.
More often than not, our attempts at protection show up in two ways: self-abandonment or control. Both are rooted in fear—fear of rejection, fear of being hurt, fear of losing love. And both can leave us feeling disconnected, not just from others, but from ourselves.
Self-Abandonment: The Disappearing Act
Self-abandonment happens when you shrink yourself to avoid conflict, keep the peace, or make someone else happy at your own expense. You might ignore your needs, downplay your feelings, or silence your voice because deep down, you believe that staying small will keep you safe.
Signs of self-abandonment in relationships:
Saying “yes” when you mean “no”
Suppressing your emotions to avoid upsetting your partner
Overlooking red flags just to maintain connection
Losing sight of your own wants, needs, and boundaries
The problem? You’re not actually protecting yourself—you’re just delaying pain. When you abandon yourself, resentment builds, needs go unmet, and eventually, you start to feel invisible in your own relationship.
Control: The Illusion of Safety
On the flip side, control can feel like the opposite of self-abandonment, but it comes from the same fear. Instead of making yourself small, you try to manage everything—your partner’s behavior, the outcome of situations, the way love plays out—because uncertainty feels unbearable.
Control can look like:
Overanalyzing your partner’s words or actions
Trying to “fix” or change them so you feel more secure
Micromanaging how and when connection happens
Creating rules or ultimatums to prevent being hurt
At its core, control is a way to avoid vulnerability. If you can predict or manage the outcome, you won’t have to feel the discomfort of uncertainty. But control doesn’t actually bring safety—it brings tension, distance, and exhaustion.
Real Protection: Boundaries and Openness
So if self-abandonment and control don’t actually protect us, what does? Healthy boundaries and emotional openness.
Boundaries mean honoring your needs without forcing them on someone else. They allow you to stay connected without losing yourself.
Openness means being real about what you feel and what you want, without trying to manipulate the outcome. It’s trusting yourself enough to handle whatever comes.
True protection isn’t about avoiding pain at all costs—it’s about knowing you can handle it. It’s about choosing yourself while staying open to love, connection, and growth.